one day at a time...

So I made this deal with God. (that sounds so weird to say.) But, it is true. I am taking life as it comes. No more worrying, no more planning. My whole life I have always been caught up with what is coming up next. It will wear you out. I have always been the person to make plans for the weekend, or plan spring break. I always did it because I knew if I didn't then it wouldn't get done. My new years resolution was to stop planning! I did not plan anything for new years eve like I normally do! I told everyone that if they wanted to do something, then plan it, and let me know. They discussed what they wanted to do, but no plans ever came together. I think now they miss my sweet planning skills :o). But, believe me, it is so relaxing to not worry about planning. I take life as it comes. Every day is a different day, and each day holds new treasures. It makes living a whole lot easier. I am a stronger person when I live life one day at a time. I squeeze so much life out of each day. I do something that I love everyday. I either swim or paint or take pictures every day. I used to go to bed early each night because I was worried about being tired the next day. Now I find myself staying up past midnight, even when I have to get up at 5 for work. I just enjoy life so much, and I do not want each day to end! You really start noticing everything around you. How beautiful a sunset is, or how awesome my animals are. I like looking at the stars too. I get lost looking out into space. There is a lot to think about when you stare into space. How far does it go? Is there life out there? What is going on out there? It makes me feel so small. It amazes me that my God created such a beautiful piece of artwork for me. Night time would be so scary without the stars and the moon. Those little pieces of light make it magical, and not so scary. If you have not been outside and looked at the stars lately, I highly recommend it. 

It is so hard for a person to admit they have a problem. I would not say that I actually had a problem. But, in college I did plenty of things that I should not have. I got lost. I got caught up in fitting in. I went through a time where I thought I had to drink to fit into the crowd, to be cool, ya know? It was not me. I would drink and fit in for a little while. There was always this small voice inside of me telling me that I did not belong there. I would be out with a group of people, but I would feel invisible because nobody saw my true self. I think that is why I got so depressed. I could not be my true self, and I was screaming for help. It is super hard living in a college town, there are so many temptations. In the past year, I have seen how alcohol can tear apart someone's life. It broke my family, it was such a hard time for us. It is hard to see someone that you love struggle so much. I can 100% tell you that drinking alcohol is not worth it AT ALL! It can consume you so fast. It was fun at first in college, until reality set in. After going through everything, I hated being around it. I hated the smell of alcohol, I hated how it changed people. It will make someone a completely different person. I hated when someone could not have a conversation with me because they were too messed up. A lot of people looked at me different when I stopped going out, but that is o.k. I understand, and it does not bother me. They have not witnessed the bad sides of it yet. I pray that they never have to, but if they do then they will understand what I went through. They might one day understand why I left. I told everyone it was because of financial reasons, but that was a lie. I didn't want to reveal my weakness. Actually, I don't think leaving made me weak. It made me a stronger person. I realized that I needed to get away from it before it consumed me. 

It is so hard for me to look back. It is hard for me to accept the person that I used to be. I am not the same person I was then. Like Donald Miller says, a mind was made for change, it wasn't made to read the same page recurrently. I honestly think me moving home was my saving grace. I was rescued. I had planned my college experience going a little different than this. But, you never know what life is going to hand you. Sometimes you just have to make the best out of it and it will make you grow stronger.

I read the bible every night. I believe God has something beautiful for me to read every day. He sends me scriptures that I I am in need of hearing. Last night he sent me a great one. I think it was in proverbs, I am not completely sure though. I will look it up when I get home. But, it said that God will correct His favorite children. I felt so many strong emotions reading this passage. Sometimes I find myself asking God why he changed me. I wonder why I couldn't have been just like everyone else and could have continued to have a normal college experience. But, God has greater plans for me than that. After reading that passage it made me realize that. If God has a plan that He is determined for us to fulfill, He will make it happen. If we stray, He will do what He needs to do to get us back. He will correct his favorite children. How wonderful it is to hear that. How can I be a favorite child of this wonderful, never ending, great God. Why me? I have always felt invisible my whole life. I have never felt I was important for anything. Maybe I have been tuning out God's voice my whole life. He tore down a lot of things in my life to make me finally hear Him. To show me that He is the only way. I believe now more than ever that God has a this great big plan for me. I am not 100% sure what it is yet, but I can feel that it is something wonderful. 

I had a talk with an old friend last night. I asked him what he thought about God. I have never really been the one to bring up God in a random conversation with someone. Not that I was ashamed of Him, I guess I sometimes feel awkward bringing it up. God says that we have to go into the world and proclaim His name. I am working on doing that. I cannot keep this beautiful thing to myself, I need to tell everyone. But, back to what I was saying. We discussed our view of God. It is nice to talk to someone about it. A person cannot live alone, we have to communicate and feed off of each other. I told this friend something that I have never told anyone. I am so in love with God, but I am scared to death. Does that make sense? I love God, but at the same time I am scared out of my mind of Him. He is so powerful. I cannot wrap my mind around Him. But, I am also scared that I have already messed up so much in life, that I am not worthy of God's love. I know deep down inside that God could NEVER stop loving me. He forgives me if I ask. I just know that I cannot keep messing up and asking for forgiveness. I have to ask for forgiveness and do everything in my power to not go back to my sinful ways. It is tough. But, God never said it would be easy, right? The bible also says that it is good for man to have a fear of God. I do not know why this is so. But, I was glad to read this and know that fearing God is apparently normal?


I suddenly think that this 'photo blog' has become a blog of my spiritual and personal life. I know that I am posting this stuff on the internet for anyone to see. But, I am not ashamed of anything that I say. I feel I have a story to tell. and if even just one person reads it and finds comfort that they are not alone, then it is good for me. If no one reads it, that is o.k too. I love getting my thoughts out of my head!! :o)